How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
