so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
