We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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