i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
