I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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