You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
