Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
