dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
