if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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