Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
