Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
