I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
