he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
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