I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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