They should really pass out barf bags in church
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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