I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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