i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize