HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
