i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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