Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
