How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
