Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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