it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
