my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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