please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
