Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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