Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
