I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
