dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
