Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
