Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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