My underwear smells like fireworks.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
