he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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