they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
