Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
