Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
