My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
