I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
