You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
