he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
