I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize