Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
