im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just want nice things and good sex
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize