i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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