Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
