New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
