you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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