I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The power of my boobs compel you
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
