Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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