The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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