just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
