WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
