if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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