Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
