I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just invented taco cereal.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize