Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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