He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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